Love and Relationships: Owning Your Path
When I first told my friends about Mr. Kubwayo, almost all of them were against us pursuing our relationship. I can count on one hand how many people were supportive at first, and that list includes my Mama, my sister, and a friend from high school who not only supported me but gave me the courage I needed to embrace my destiny (shoutout to Sharne Street).
Nearly everyone I spoke with said that I was moving too fast and didn’t know what I was getting into. Before making that assessment, none of them asked anything about:
His character
His beliefs
His values
His family
Why he and I were moving at the speed of light towards our lives together.
Sometimes, they didn’t even ask for his name. They built their views about all of these important factors about a man whose life they knew nothing about. Despite the fact that they knew me to be mindful of the people to whom I connect my life, their contribution to all conversations about this man was “don’t do it.” What they did ask about included:
His employment
His location of residence
His ability to provide for me
If you’re not new to my space, you probably know how little value I gave to any of the above when I was still single. I couldn’t have cared less where the man of my dreams lived or where he worked or how much money he had. I had lived at the absolute bottom of the economic chain and had seen enough of the top to know that wealth can be built with the right guy. So, you can understand my response to the reactions I received. None of that matters.
It was during this time when I realized that while anyone can have discernment, not everyone has discernment about my life. No one else in the world is being led to live it the way I am. Absolutely no one can fathom the deep Holy Spirit-led conversations and thoughts that take place before I make any decisions about anything. That understanding helped me stay confident as my now Husband and I decided to get engaged after 6 months and married within 18 months of meeting each other.
Was it fast? Most definitely. Was it wrong? Not for us. We had talked about everything under the sun within the first week of knowing each other. I knew exactly why he thought I was his future wife. I knew enough about his family. I knew his beliefs and values. I knew his goals and ambitions. I knew that he was the kind of man who’s willing to take two whole weeks off from work just to show me around because he knew that it was my first time in Burundi. Most importantly, I knew with every fiber of my being that he was an honest guy who’d rather lose a limb than do me any harm. Whether or not we’d live well together was not a question because my heart was so at peace with him. It was as if God himself had whispered in my ear “here is your very own personal earthly soul caretaker” and I didn’t have any reason to decline that gift.
After 12 years of marriage, 3 babies, nearly 10 moves, and hundreds of global travel adventures together, I am so glad I didn’t waver in my belief that this particular man was the guy for me. My friends eventually saw it, too. Many of them were bridesmaids or super active in our wedding. They have come to know and love my Husband for the wonderful human being that he is. He has served them meals and laughed with them countless times in the duration of our marriage. He cares for them as much as I do.
As I type this, I can’t help but wonder how many great couples have broken up because of people’s opinions. Unless there is abuse involved, we all need to keep our uninformed opinions to ourselves when it comes to finding and building romantic relationships. What we might see as dealbreakers for ourselves may not be what matters to the couples we assume do not belong together. I can assure you that being on the receiving end of negative responses about the person you love is heartbreaking. Unless it is absolutely warranted, it is best to save people from that heartbreak and be there for them in the ways that they need rather than what you think is best. After all, we don’t really know what’s best for anyone other than ourselves on the best of days (and maybe our minor children, but even they have their own ideas).
Instead of expressing an opinion, make it a practice to ask these questions:
How can I support you?
What do you need from me at this time in this phase of your life?
How can I pray for your relationship (or life)?
You’ll often find that this line of conversation will empower the person to think carefully about their situation AND strengthen their bond with you. All most people want is to be heard, loved, and understood. More empathy and compassion. Less judgment. If you can manage to do that for your people, you can be the rock they need when things get tough. Hopefully, they will be the same for you.
