What is a traditional Burundian woman?
Really, I am seriously asking. What makes a Burundian woman traditional? Is it her ability to cook delicious meals for her family? Is she traditional if she dresses mu bitenge gusa and never wears pants? Is one’s level of traditionalism measured by how she speaks to her parents and husband?
Someone I have known (mostly on social media) for 15 years recently told me that he always thought I was a traditional woman. He thought that I was the kind of woman who always brings my husband water to wash his hands before/after a meal. I was shocked that he thought of me this way. Even though the Burundian man I married doesn’t even want that life, I can see why someone who doesn’t know me closely would think that.
In Burundian communities, there seems to be two extremes for women. You are either a conservative religious one who does everything your husband or parents say, or you are what our society deems a loose cannon who has no place in anyone’s home. Unpacking these two categories could take a while, so I will just focus on the forgotten middle. This is where I often fall.
Ever since I can remember, I have always pulled positive aspects from the two extremes to define who I am for myself. My hair and outfits didn’t really fit into what most modern free thinking young women I knew considered to be cool. My clothes and shoes were never the trendy ones. Perms and makeup have never been part of my every day life. So, a person looking at me from a distance might think that my mind must also match what is on the outside of my body.
What people come to realize when they get close and personal is that a woman can, in fact, create her own identity. One that includes an open mind, curiosity, free thinking, and self-expression without sacrificing some of the finer aspects of our norms. In my case, I accepted my natural old school way of life long ago. I don’t even think it had anything to do with being Burundian or follower of Christ. It was simply because there are parts of feminine expression that I never felt the need to embrace.
It is a privilege that I have been able to make such choices and have so many educational opportunities. This, too, is an important part of what defines me now. My life is filled with fresh intriguing discussions because I choose to expand my mind every chance I get. This has resulted in a desire to marry a man who wouldn’t expect me to be his server.
Instead, it led me to a path where marriage includes exchanging ideas and uplifting each other (read being each other’s obnoxious cheerleaders). In fact, since marriage is often used as a measure of a woman’s traditional-ness, it was always clear to me that what is considered tradition in this area of life would not be my cup of tea.
At the end of the day, while I value many teachings of our traditions, they are not all that I am. Maybe this makes me untraditional, but it doesn’t make me the other extreme either. I have found that it is completely ok to live in this center as long as a woman stands there with love and respect for those on either side. As for what traditions a woman should keep in her marriage and life? Being open with one’s partner and family about expectations is a good place to start.
