Toxically positive or overly optimistic?

The term « toxic positivity » has recently come to my attention. A quick Google search shows that positivity turns toxic when there is an overindulgence of happiness and optimism in situations where people ought to recognize the negative aspects. As the saying goes, “too much of anything is good for nothing” and this also applies to our emotions and how we express them.

I am not surprised that this is not a term I knew before now. I insist on being happy. In fact, one of my names literally means happiness. With this (and my faith) comes a positive outlook on life in most situations. I am extremely optimistic. I think it might have to do with the fact that I am a child of war(s), but I’ve never actually consulted anyone about it. All I know is that it takes a lot for me to stay in a bad mood for long. A LOT.

Over the last few weeks, I have reexamined my interactions with the people in my life to see where I might have practiced toxic positivity. I like to comfort people who are hurting, but I think I am usually careful not to add to their hurt. Saying things like “everything will be ok” is good when done at the right time. The person hurting sometimes doesn’t want to hear it, though. They might just want to sit with their feelings for a while to figure out how to move forward.

This is such an interesting time for me to learn about toxic positivity. The whole world is dealing with a pandemic, the Black community is fighting (yet again) against systematic racism, children are being kept in cages, and families have not been able to see each other for months. Our collective mental health is being challenged like most people have never seen before. As such, everyone deserves time to process what is happening and mourn the things that will no longer happen. We ought to be there for each other, but only with the intention to listen and be present.

For those of us who tend to focus on the bright side, we have to remember to be considerate of other people’s emotional well-being. It is one thing to be comforting of those we love. Validating what they are experiencing helps. It is completely another thing to insist that they be ok when they are not. We can all share resources when/if it is appropriate, follow up in conversation, and pray for those who are hurting.

Most importantly, we should express love every chance we get. You never know how much a quick “I am thinking about you” or “I hope you are well” text can do for someone. Even really funny memes and beautiful praise songs make a difference for many of us.

Kindness is key when managing our own emotions and those of people around us. Being kind to ourselves and others helps to navigate hard times. This is true in motherhood and also true in every season of life. When one of our children has a tantrum, for instance, it doesn’t help to force them to get over it. That is not healthy because learning to move past difficult emotions is a significant part of growing up.

So, out there in the world with our adult loved ones, we all need to remember that. Be thoughtful. Offer support. Express hope. But by all means, let’s not try to manage other people’s emotions no matter how optimistic we might be in our own lives.