How to build your marriage fight-free
There are so many stories of marriages where you have to suffer for a few years before having a happy marriage. This doesn’t have to be the case if marriage is approached the right way. Marital bliss is real and can be achieved if both spouses are diligent about how they come together. First and foremost, decide what you want out of it. Why are you getting married? What kind of marriage do you want? How valuable is your peace of mind? Once you know this, make sure the person you’re marrying shares your core values. For us, being gentle with and kind to each other come before anything else. Real, lasting love involves showing compassion towards your partner even when you think it’s not deserved. It also involves realizing that one human being is perfect and not expecting your partner to be.
Having lived almost a decade in a marriage centered around the kind of peace that can only come from Above, I am sometimes surprised. It’s different from what I knew growing up and what I read about other people’s marriages. Most stories I read about marriage mention that marriage is hard work. They talk about their marriage being challenging for various reasons. I have an unpopular opinion. I am the married person other married people tell you not to listen to. I am the one who stands in the belief that marriage doesn’t have to be hard work - that is can actually be pretty simple. It is not the marriage that is hard. It is the people inside the marriage. When you combine challenging life circumstances and people who are unwilling to accept that they are not always right or that not everything needs to be discussed or argued, you end up with partnerships that don’t work.
This doesn’t mean that our marriage has no troubling times. We face financial struggles, illnesses, full schedules, difficulties with parenting, and other issues that might cause fights between spouses. The reason we are able to keep it peaceful is because we came in this with a team mentality. My husband branded our relationship before we even agreed it was a relationship. We knew that we wanted to live happily above anything else. We put each other first. His needs before mine on my part. Mine before his on his part. Do you know what happens when you do that? Everyone’s needs are met. We each want what is collectively the best for our unit, even if it is not what we want right now.
As such, we face every challenge as something outside of ourselves that we fight together. We always know that as long as there is no trouble between us, we can certainly resolve any problems coming at us. We also know that trouble between us can only come if we individually or collectively allow it. We choose every single day to live happily in love and in peace. I sometimes find myself laughing at something that made me mad only moments before. Every single time, I quickly realize how SMALL the things that upset me are. When they are not so small, I am very strategic about how I bring them up to my Husband. I never want him to feel attacked or accused by my words or my tone.
The trouble in most challenging marriages can be resolved if each spouse works on being the best person they can be. What builds a peaceful marriage is the ability to completely give up selfish tendencies, thoughtlessness, inconsideration, quickly pointing the finger, not being able to pick your battles, not being able to address concerns calmly, and feeling the need to argue about everything. If you have a hard time with any of this, think of it this way. Would this issue you’re fighting about be worth losing your spouse? If it is, is there a way to address it through a kind, mature conversation? Realizing that some things are not worth the trouble goes a long way.
So, the work that is involved in building a happy coupled life is mostly personal and can be done before marriage. It is not the marriage that is hard work. It seems that the issue for many is being a good, decent human, especially when living with another person whose needs are not necessarily the same. Peace will be inevitable if both partners come into the marriage having worked on themselves, having learned their weaknesses and strengthens, having accepted that their person is also a constantly evolving human, having embraced the fact that this connection shall always come first and foremost. In case the marriage started before the internal work, it is never too late to start. We should all aim to constantly improve ourselves anyway. There is nothing more beautiful than living in home where your authentic self thrives because your spouse accepts and encourages it.
