Siko zubakwa: An antidote to unhealthy marital culture

A friend of mine recently sent me a video of Riziki singing one of my favorite songs. I really liked her voice, so I youtubed some of her other videos. At the top of the list was a song called "Niko Zubakwa" (that's how marriages are built) posted on YouTube in 2012. The lyrics are heartbreaking, but her chorus' central message is the ever so present piece of advice by older Burundian mothers: "niko zubakwa."

In the song, Riziki is married to a man who beats and cheats on her in her own home. She seeks advice from older ladies, who never fail to remind her that this is how marriages are built. Towards the end of the song, she addresses young women of marital age. It is unclear whether her advice to them is the same as she was given. She does not clarify whether she is warning them against this particular kind of marriage or letting them know that it is normal. 

I found myself becoming really annoyed as I listened to each word. It is not the first time I have heard this troublesome piece of advice given to young, newly married ladies. It is a common phrase in our Burundian culture. Women lose limbs and even their lives as a result of staying in unhealthy marriages. Children suffer mental problems resulting from unhealthy marriages. Yet, this phrase still exists. 

I want to reach such a time when all women know that this is not how marriages are built. It is not how anything is built. Marriage is built on love and understanding. It is a place of kindness and patience. It is where you run to when the weight of the world comes crushing down on you. Marriage is that place in which your person is listening, giving constructive criticism when necessary, and always caring about your well-being. It might take some work to get to the smooth part of marriage for some couples, but it should never ever take a route of abuse. 

Let's stop forcing women into the life of misery. Men are capable of being good. They can love and commit to one person. It is not a woman's burden to accept that abuse is normal in marriage. It is our collective responsibility to raise men and women who value themselves and one another so much that no destruction-disguised-as-advice will touch them. Marriage should always be between two people who are both willing to say "nope, siko zubakwa" and respectfully build a peaceful and durable union, together.