"Husbands, love your wives" - with some concrete actions

Soon after my sister and I got married, she confessed to me that she thought I was not going to be the marrying kind. She was sure I would be a career woman with zero family responsibilities. There were so many reasons why I could have been just that. I have written before about domestic violence, which I know happens more than we all want to admit in marriages. Today's post is about the less violent but relevant reason why a young woman might not be attracted to the idea of matrimonial responsibilities. 

When I started to observe marriages around me as a preteen, nothing spoke to me as desirable. I don't recall ever dreaming about my wedding day. If marriage was what I saw, I wanted nothing to do with it. I especially wanted no marriage in which a Burundian man was involved. In my narrow mind, nationality was a factor in how well a man can treat his wife. As they say, "akanyoni katagurutse ntikamenya iyo bweze."

I eventually realized that my issue was not with marriage itself. It was rather in how the marriages I knew seemed to work - or not work, to be more accurate. It was usually the same routine and it looked like this: A guy marries a woman. They have children right away, in most cases. The woman does everything under the sun to take care of everyone in the family. The guy is only responsible for bringing in the money for the family, which most men were not even able to do in the camp setting. He never has a solid conversation with his wife, never washes a dish, never hangs out with her, never gives his child a bath, never cooks a meal, never really interacts with the children. You get the idea. It's all the responsibility of the woman. Somehow, being "head of the household" was misconstrued to mean doing nothing at home. 

This seemed a little off to me, especially because I never imaged myself as a woman who doesn't bring in money. It was hard to imagine being at work all day, and coming home to do all the things while a man sits and waits for me to do everything else. Even if I were going to be a housewife, I am pretty sure I still would have wanted someone who recognizes the work that goes into taking care of children and acts accordingly. 

I set some pretty high standards for the guy I would marry and very little of it had to do with appearance. He would be not-Burundian (ha!). As far as home was concerned, he would have no problem putting work into our family. He would talk to me about everything and anything. He would love me so hard that I wouldn't question it. He would love our babies with his whole heart. He would goof off with me. He would be willing to go above and beyond normal responsibilities on the days when I am unwell. Above anything else, he would be extremely intelligent, as there is nothing sexier than a man with an impressive brain. 

Given my criteria for a suitable guy, it is no wonder my sister thought I would table the whole thing and just marry a career. I was always a hopeful romantic, though. I knew that someone worthwhile would come along one day. I didn't care how soon or how far that day would be, though sooner was always going to be better than later. When he did come, he endured my questioning his Burundianness because my mind still struggled to believe good ones existed there, too. He decided I was worth a chance, too. I am so glad I was wrong about Burundian men. I have since met so many loving husbands in and outside of Burundi that those marriages I saw growing up become less and less normal. 

So, cheers to all the men who do marriage lovingly. The details of each relationship are not mine to decide, but hats off to the guys who take pleasure in knowing that their wives are not too overwhelmed by it all. The rest of you, do better. Do more. It makes you more of a man, not less.